Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Jessie: Finding Me Again

Facebook is so awesome. I love it when I log in and notice that someone has added a friend, and that friend is someone I haven't seen in forever. Today I found my cousin who we will call "Miss A" (whom I haven't seen since I was a little girl). It was really cool to get back in touch with her and chat for a little while before The Mister was home from work.

I realized after Miss A asked "do you plan on having any children?", that I hadn't really thought much about that this year. It has really been quite a while since I've really had the opportunity to even think about having kids, nor have I really wanted to. With everything going on with my brother, with school, work, and the possibility of moving to a different state, I haven't really had the time to think about even myself. It's been hard enough to balance everything and try to get "Me and Hubby" time in there somewhere. I mean even with my sister in law having her second kid I still hadn't really thought about it much. I've had so much going on in my world that I don't guess I've had ample opportunity to just sit and think. And although I wouldn't change a thing, as I feel I have really been able to help others, I think somehow I lost myself in all of it and haven't had a chance to sit back and really think about where I'm going in my life.

Long story short, I've been surviving on the bare minimum: emotionally, physically and mentally. And it's time to stop this now.

This evening while The Mister was watching a movie from Netflix (only the best company ever!) I started doing a little google search for the fertility specialists the doctor had referred me to from my last visit to the OBGYN (You can read about my last dr's visit {here} ). I read about the doctors, the mission, and decided to cut it to the more important stuff: the cost. Surprisingly, the rates were fairly reasonable compared to what I have seen other places.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going over board on this. I am in no rush whatsoever. I like my life the way it is right now because adding a kid on top of all the stressful things that are going on right now would be a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Besides, I'm not sure if I am quite ready to take on the whole "trying" aspect of everything again. The Mister and I have tried for going on two to three years (with a three or four month break in there due to my surgery). The waiting for a potential ovulation, the testing and hoping for a positive pregnancy test to watch it only be a negative, the bad news from the doctors. All of that. I can't take that right now, and I just want to do enough research to see what I'm looking at so I can at least prepare myself for that. Besides we decided that after the end of this year, if I don't get pregnant the natural way then next year we will begin looking at fertility treatments. And I think at this point, in all honestly, after everything I've gone through in that area I would rather pay the money to have good ol' doc put The Mister's junk with my junk, eliminate having to try and just wait for the flowers to bloom if you catch my drift.

So, until that point I figure I could help myself and get into decent shape maybe. I know I've got on here before and typed away about how I was going to hold myself accountable to the world, log my food and diet. Yeah right! That lasted for all of two weeks. Hello chocolate cake! This time I may take my time and really focus on getting completely healthy. By that I mean taking the time do something I really enjoy, thus the DIY projects and watching Lost. Taking the time to do something that stimulates the mind, thus reading books and really focusing on my school work. Taking the time to build my relationship with The Mister, thus the awesome date nights. Taking the time to eat healthy, thus really taking the time to make a conscious effort in better eating habits.

After getting my health back, slowing down enough to enjoy the days again, and after coming up with a plan for success, maybe I'll find that happy-go-lucky me again somewhere in the mix.

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